Saturday, April 22, 2006

From The Mailbag

Kids,

I'm asked some version this question all the time. I brought it over from my mailbag for you blog lovers.


1. Hi Tony!

My husband and I used to be totally hot. Four kids later, I gained 45 pounds. So did he! But I started Power 90, and am getting fit, looking good. Now he is so discouraging! He's jealous of the time I spend on the Power 90 Web site and doing the workouts. Doesn't he want a hot wife? I don't get it. What should I do? Submitted by "hikergirl3"

Tony's Answer:
hikergirl3,

Let me start by saying that you are not alone. I've met dozens of people who have started Power 90 only to have a spouse or partner try to sabotage them. The exact opposite occurs when couples do the program together. The fact that one person wants to improve and the other doesn't will almost always create a rift in a relationship. The situation is scary for both parties. It's difficult for you because losing 45 pounds requires time and commitment. Changing your eating habits is no picnic either. It's hard on your husband because he feels threatened by your need to do something without him. He's also threatened by your desire to communicate with a bunch of strangers on the Internet. It means less time with him while you're doing something he's not ready to do. Even mealtime equates with unhappiness for him.

When a married couple has two different lifestyles (all of a sudden) then things are going to get tricky. The person making the healthy choices is obligated to understand the person who isn't ready. It's not all his fault that he has these feelings. Sudden change is difficult on everyone. Your decision to do this is a constant reminder that he's not doing it. The status quo is easy to deal with, but full-blown lifestyle change is very disruptive. You might want to ask/tell him the same things you're asking me. Why? Why are you discouraging me? Why are you jealous? Why aren't you supportive of my desire to be better, healthier, fitter, and hotter? You might think you know some of the answers, but be prepared to be surprised by others. Either way you'll be communicating and that's a good thing.

When it's your turn to explain why you're doing this, tell him that his lack of support is only going to make things worse. Tell him that being overweight and out of shape is part of the past. The future for you needs to be filled with doing the right things that will make you happy. If he doesn't start to understand what it is you need to be happy, then his world will only get tougher. This process is never easy but pretending that the elephant isn't in the room will make for more conflict down the road. What you don't want to do is tell him to join you in this process. That's his decision and he'll make it when he's ready, not when you want him to. The worst kind of advice to give is the kind that was never asked for in the first place. My fifth law of health and fitness is Reality. Your reality is that you're ready to lose weight, get fit and healthy, and he is not. If you're going to live happily under the same roof, then you better both support each other knowing the truth in that. 4/17/06

11 comments:

Tony B said...

Amen to that Tony..
Hikergirl.. The journey for my wife and I started seperately with me doing power 90.. I chose not to try and coax her into getting fit but rather I led by example..After 3 weeks she started to see changes in me and the way my clothes fit and was curious about what I was doing...Then asked me why I didn't ask her to join me.. Hee Hee..Try saying to your spouse honey you're fat and I want you to loose weight.. won't work!! Anyway she started power 90 3 weeks after me - got fit, and became a Holistic Health Councelor..So what started out as a lone adventure became a joint endeavor and was so much fun and still is sharing all this new found health and fitness.. The rest is History and the Future is brighter than ever..
Stick with it for yourself and chances are he will follow..
Peace,Power & Health
XRAYMAN....Hubby of ABSMOM

Dawn said...

well- how I stumbled upon this is beyond me...but nonetheless I did...and lookey lookey at husbands comment. Absolutely right- there is a fine line between being helpful and being harrassing- while you might be asking partner to "join me in this quest for a healthier life"...much like what Charlie Brown hears when the teacher speaks..."wah-wah-wah-wah" is what partner hears or even worse is "you're not good enough the way you are- you don't look good, you don't appeal to me, CHANGE"....now that may be the furthest thing FROM THE TRUTH but when we are comfortably uncomfortable in our bodies, a seeingly benign statement like that can be crushing to the ego, a blatant comment on inadequacy. Of course that's not the case but human nature can quickly twist it into that. In my case anyway my husband did what he needed to do ( worked out on his own) and I agree- I would've punched him in the nose if he approached me, not because it would have been the WRONG or a MEAN thing for him to say or do, but because emotionally I was down on myself and that would have been adding insult to my injury, it would have appeared to me to be a completely insensitive and hurtful statement. Regardless of the concrete need for me to make some changes it still would have been painful to hear it. People get offended when their PHYSICIAN's comment on weight, why wouldn't it be offensive to hear it from someone who loves us "til death do we part"???!!!

What to do??? Well...don't OVER explain yourself, no need to be defensive as to why you want partner to consider this, but proactivity is powerful on many levels.

example: "I haven't been feeling good, the extra weight has me winded, I need more energy to keep up with the kids, i love you so much I want to be around for as long as possible, my back has been bothering me and the exercises have improved the pain"...none of these things are offensive to your partner- none of these reasons insinuate or imply that your feelings have changed for your partner...lead by example, encourage without saying anything...leave the literature out where he can see it, leave the DVD's out...as far as the website and online stuff...that's fear of the unknown, people fight over stuff like that because it can be frightening to them. While partner being intimidated by your attempts to make changes might make you mad, think about how it makes your partner feel- worried if you're changing, losing weight, chatting online- it doesn't mean partner is trying to sabotage you, it has to do with feeling insecure- no one likes to feel that way. While it's never one person's job to make another confident, there does need to be a definitive agreement between partners as to what the comfort levels are- and to remember why you chose to be with each other in the first place. No one wants to feel out dated or un-needed and while it may seem like a method of sabotage it may not actually be. And jealousy is usually based on insecurity. No one likes to feel that way- no one chooses to feel that way because they enjoy it, it is just as painful for the insecure person as it is annoying to the other person...

so assure your partner that the love and respect is there, that is something you share forever...and assure your partner that health is important, invite the partner to share in the adventure if they want, make deal with your partner, after 90 days we can celebrate in some "special way" (wink wink) ...appeal to the part of your partner that needs appealing to. assure your partner they way your partner needs assurance... A marriage is a big commitment and not always easy whether there are financial burdens, familial burdens, whatever...it's always changing, evolving, you are always trying to work as a team...but when we feel threatened we react...because we are human. Be adventurous, find exciting ways to incorporate some new changes, invent a "reward system'...just like everything else in life, relationships need upkeep and maintenance, attention and spicing up...use the creativity you USED to use in finding ways to join forces. A problem like this will not go away but ignoring it and turning inward will aggravate it. remember the courtship days and how eager we were to impress and please each other? one kid or 4 kids later, heck, 8 or 10 kids later- we all have feelings and sometimes we have to bend for each other. we bend so nothing breaks. that's what makes successful unions successful. It never hurts to put yourself in somebody else's shoes for a while...so re-assess- is it sabotage? Is it fear? Is it just a knee jerk reaction? Could it be my partner is feeling down and this is just making it painfully obvious? While maintaining my freedom of choice can I find a way, even if it means making a concession, saying or doing something I shouldn't HAVE to say or do...is my pride standing in the way of addressing this in a compassionate way?? people's emotions are so complex, we rarely understand ourselves how can we expect to understand someone else's thought processes too?? Maybe never will, but a little compassion goes a long way- toward your partner, spouse, child or friend..."how would I feel??"...the question of the day.

so Mr. Horton, who KNEW this was sucha popular question/topic?!...it runs deep, very deep for some people...and finding a mutually agreeable compassionate path will help lead people to a stronger union both pysically AND mentally. And like most GOOD things in life, it will cause a ripple effect.

power to the people. happiness and health
DB

psalm9567 said...

Wow, hikergirl3, do you need any more advice than that??? Truer words could not have been spoken, and by two amazing people who have made this system of workouts WORK for them and their family, both together and separately.

Blessings to you, hikergirl, as you get through this "storm." (Read Carl's blog for that one.)

Sarah

irish_robbie said...

Hey Hikergirl, just to look at the other side of the coin. Realistically how much time are you spending doing P90?? Less than an hour a day right? So why is your husband upset about the time you are spending? Website? My guess is that you're spending huge amounts of time looking, posting and reading the message boards and my guess is that could be more of the reason that he's upset. For me, checking out and posting on the boards is/was a huge part of my success, but we do need to know when to come BACK to our families and friends. Like anything, MODERATION is the key.

I can understand family members who get jealous and try to sabatoge or discourage you, but there is definitely something to "website addiction" which is JUST as prevalent.

Take my advice with a grain of salt, but in addition to explaining the importance of this journey to your husband I would monitor my own internet usage and make sure you're giving as much time to the real world as you are to your cyber-one, as wonderful as it is.

Cheers
RoB

Dusk said...

Gee... this all sounds soooo familiar....

Northern Orchid said...

Good call Tony.

Kasia

leannwoo said...

I had a little of the same issue as you hikergirl! Only my hubby kept it all inside. He never told me that he was upset about the time I spent working out until something major happened and I had to take a break.

Robbie, I'm going to disagree with you a little...for the first time! :)

I did the workouts in the evenings when hubby was home. That was an hour every evening that I took away from him and my family. That hour may not seem like much, but when you both work and have three teenagers an hour each night is huge! I adapted, moved my workouts to a more managable time for both of us. Now we have evenings together. He is very supportive of my workouts and encourages me to buy the newest programs BB has to offer.

Communication is huge, and remember what Dawn said. Don't be defensive. That will put up a barrier!

So you will really be surprised at why your hubby could be acting the way he is!

irish_robbie said...

Good Point Leanne! I've heard about this issue a lot, both the jealousy thing, and the Addicted to the internet thing..but never experienced either personally. I
guess That's one of the joys about being in this with my wife. We both understand the dedication, discipline and time required to create this lifestyle. Talk about Heaven. I'm living it! :) :)

AlfaSunshine said...

Hi Tony! I read this in your mailbag already. I guess anyone who is in a relationship can relate when it comes to self improvement it can be tough to be on a team with players who aren't into it.

I ain't gonna spill my guts completely, but let's just say that I bought p90 near the end of my marraige before I actually was cognizant that it was the end of my marraige. p90 had little or nothing to do with the divorce, but working out and having the guidence and support from you and Beachbody this past year has made a huge difference in how I am choosing to live my life.

liketoswim said...

I need help getting enough protien. I am allergic to milk, soy and whey. I also do not eat beef, pork, lamb, etc, only chicken, turkey, fish and seafood. I do have an egg white protien powder. I need help in planning my menus to lose weight (slim down diet, 1400-1500 calories). Is there a way to remove certain foods from the planning menus so I can select only the meals that fit my needs? What do I substitute for the dairy exchanges I won't be able to eat? I exercise almost daily, circut training w/a trainer 45-50 minutes 3x week, cardio 30-40 minutes 3-4 time per week. its time to get serious about getting rid of the belly fat and I could use some help on the diet. Thanks

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