Small minds gossip, complain and blame others for their problems. Average minds talk about possessions and money. Great minds exchange ideas. On any given day I might fall into any one
of these three categories. Old ways and habits are hard to break especially when life is hard. Being that apple near the tree combined with other demons from our past make it difficult to change. Each day we're dealt a different hand. Each day we have to figure out how we're going to play that hand. Life is like a poker game because the same hand can be played many different ways. Some days you've got a good poker face and others you want to fold. Great players are capable of winning often, even with lousy cards. People with every advantage in the world, still find ways to blow it.
What makes life so puzzling, is knowing what the right choices are, and not choosing them. I know that eight hours of sleep is necessary for me to have enough energy to handle the next day, but instead I stay up watching Napoleon Dynamite for the fifth time. I know that eating chocolate at 11:30 at night while watching Napoleon Dynamite for the fifth time is not in my best interests, but I do it anyway. How do I leave myself alone when my behavior is less than perfect? And why am I controlled by my interpretation of perfection? For me it's a desire to not appear weak in front of people who are used to seeing me strong. One of my biggest fears during one of these less than perfect periods, is not knowing how long it will it last? When I'm happy I can't conceive feeling low. When I'm sad I can't imagine ever feeling good again.
Does the inability to make smart choices come from childhood stuff, biorhythms, brain chemistry, fatigue, daily conflict, stress or a bad fish enchilada? Who the hell knows. The more time I spend trying to figure it all out, the longer it will take to turn it around. If I could just beat myself up less and let life be life then the quicker I'll find a place of balance. My hope is to embrace these ups and downs. See the process less like "fighting demons" and more like gifts that can better my life. I often hold on too tightly to my rules. As a result, I don't notice when the rules are changing. Sometimes five card stud becomes Texas Hold em in a matter of minutes. If the game changes, will I notice, and when I win and lose a few hands, will it still be okay. I hope so.